Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard—Especially After Trauma
Why Trauma Makes Boundaries Feel Unsafe
Do you find yourself worried about respectfully canceling plans even though you are burned out or emotionally fatigued? Do you have a hard time saying no even when you really don’t have the capacity to take on another project? Are you afraid that setting these types of healthy boundaries will cause you to lose the trust or love of someone you know? Boundaries can be hard for anyone, but if you have experienced trauma—especially relational or developmental trauma—you likely learned that setting a boundary leads to punishment, rejection, or abandonment.
Instead of learning at an early age that people who love you will honor and support your boundaries, you learned to suppress your needs to maintain connection or safety. This is part of the fawn response, when people over-accommodate, avoid conflict, or people-please to stay safe. Even once we are out of danger, our nervous system will react to similar perceived threats. Deb Dana, who wrote The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, said “the nervous system remembers what the mind forgets.” Without truly healing this nervous system response, saying “no” may still feel threatening.
To start understanding your own difficulty with boundary setting, ask yourself: “What did it cost you to say no in the past?”
Somatic Signals That a Boundary Is Needed
The body often talks to us before the brain has time to listen. Many people override these “somatic cues” because they were conditioned at an early age to not trust their own internal experience. But increasing interoceptive awareness—your ability to notice and interpret bodily sensations—can be one of the most powerful tools in boundary work.
Some somatic cues that a boundary may be needed:
Tight chest, clenched jaw, or a knot in the stomach
A sense of dread, pressure, or resentment
Trouble speaking clearly, shakiness, or dissociation
Feeling “off,” “not myself,” or emotionally drained after an interaction
These cues aren't irrational. They're your nervous system’s way of saying: something here doesn’t feel right. Listen to these signals telling you it’s time to set a boundary. Here are some ways to start building safety so boundary setting gets easier.
Co-Regulation and Relearning Safety
Boundaries are easier to set when you feel supported and safe. That’s where co-regulation comes in: calming your nervous system through connection with another regulated person. In therapy or safe relationships, this can look like being met with compassion when you express a need or limit. Healing from trauma often involves repatterning what it feels like in our bodies when we try to set boundaries. This happens when they are received with acceptance rather than punishment or abandonment. With practice, your body begins to associate boundary-setting with safety, rather than threat.
This type of relearning takes time. But with consistent, repeated experiences of your boundaries being respected, you start to feel safer expressing needs. Over time, your nervous system learns that setting limits is no longer cause for alarm. Rather, it’s a normal part of mutually respectful, trusting, and loving relationships, whether platonic, romantic, or familial.
An example of knowing you are in a relationship where it’s safe to express boundaries:
“When I told my friend I couldn’t make it to dinner after a brutal day at work and she said ‘I’m so glad you’re listening to yourself,’ my nervous system softened.”
Small Steps Toward Setting Healthy Boundaries
You don’t need to start with the hardest conversation. Here are some tips for beginner boundary setters (but on our way to experts--stay tuned for next week’s post on “Boundary Setting Scripts” 😊):
Start with low-stakes boundaries (e.g., declining an invite, turning off your phone after 8 PM, leaving work right at the end of the day).
Use “I” statements and non-apologetic language:
“I’m not available for that.”
“That doesn’t work for me right now.”Practice body-based grounding (feet on floor, deep breath) before or during a hard conversation.
Focus on your own regulation. We can’t control others’ reactions. The right people will receive and reciprocate your boundaries.
Track how your nervous system responds after you set a boundary. Many people feel guilt after setting a boundary at first—especially if you’re healing from people-pleasing or trauma-related boundary issues. With time and care, boundaries begin to feel like a form of self-respect—not risk.
Remember:
Start small and build consistency
Celebrate each boundary you set, no matter how tiny
Surround yourself with people who respect your limits
Boundary-setting (however small) is a form of radical self-trust. While many are afraid that it will push people away, you’re actually making space for more authentic connection.
Schedule a free consultation to start setting healthy boundaries today.
References:
American Psychological Association. (2023, April). What is interoception, and how does it affect mental health? 5 questions for April Smith. APA Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/04/sensations-eating-disorders-suicidal-behavior
Dana, D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Berant, E. (2012). An attachment perspective on therapeutic processes and outcomes. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(11), 905–918. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073912451630
Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
