Exhaustion and Burnout in Relationships: Small Ways to Reconnect When You’re “Too Tired to Try”
What Relationship Burnout Looks Like
“I love them, but I feel so tired all the time.”
“Are we growing apart, or am I just burned out?"
“If we were really in love, this wouldn’t be so hard.”
If you find yourself saying these (or something similar), or to a friend or yourself on a regular basis, you may be suffering from relationship burnout. You’re not alone. Even in healthy relationships, emotional exhaustion can make you feel numb in your relationship or have doubts about your partner. These are signals from your nervous system—not necessarily a verdict on the relationship itself.
Signs of Relationship Burnout:
Irritability over small things
Feeling “emotionally checked out” of your relationship
Low libido—even when you still feel love or attraction
A chronically activated nervous system can shut down your desire for closeness, pleasure, or play, contributing to intimacy burnout.
No energy for connection, even though you care
Compassion fatigue
The good news is that if you’re feeling emotionally drained in your relationship, alleviating relationship burnout is possible. I know it is so hard to add one more item to your to-do list, but I promise it will be worth it. Understanding why it’s happening is the first step.
Why Our Nervous Systems Default to “Business as Usual”
If you are feeling complacent in the conflict or monotony of your partnership, it’s not your fault. It’s your nervous system defaulting to “business as usual.” Stephen W. Porges, who created Polyvagal Theory, reminds us that our nervous systems are not designed for growth, they are designed to detect threats and keep us safe. Even just thinking about addressing something with your partner can trigger your nervous system’s threat response. We fear we’ll encounter conflict and this sends us into high alert. Our hearts race, our palms are clammy, and our thoughts jumble together. So, our bodies say no. thank. you. Let’s stay right where we are.
This nervous system response is why change (like relationship growth or emotional intimacy) can feel unsafe even when it is healthy. Our body repeats familiar patterns like conflict avoidance, overgiving, or emotional withdrawal—especially when there’s a history of trauma or emotional disconnection in relationships. These patterns aren’t about failure; they’re about survival. The good news is that your nervous system can unlearn this attack protocol. Somatic therapies*, mindfulness of your emotions, and embodiment practices can all help bring you back into a regulated state. This physical sense of safety will empower you to address challenges with your partner (especially if you build a practice of co-regulation).
*We’re currently accepting new clients for integrative somatic therapy in Chapel Hill / Durham, and virtually for clients in NC and NY
Low-Energy Ways to Reconnect When “You’re Too Tired to Try”
A dysregulated nervous system is emotionally depleting. While you rebuild your emotional stamina, try these small yet powerful ways to reconnect.
Try a New Ritual
Morning coffee, a walk after dinner, holding hands while brushing teeth
A 6-Second Kiss or a 20-Second Hug
These behaviors release oxytocin which helps us feel bonded and connected to our partners
Share Daily Appreciations
Intentionally sharing at least one a day can shift your perspective towards gratitude.
Weekly “State of the Union”
Discussing (using “I” statements) things that worked well and those that need attention from your relationship that week.
“Sliding Door Moments”
When your partner makes a bid for emotional connection (reaching for your hand or complaining about a work dynamics), meet them there. Even if it seems like a small thing, these little exchanges can foster big intimacy.
Reconnection Doesn’t Have to Be Big
When we are faced with what seems like an ocean between us and our partner, we have to remember we can’t cross the sea in one giant leap. It takes small steps to reclaim what may have been lost through years of long work weeks, carpool duties, and dinners on-the-go. For now, turn towards your partner in all their strengths and faults. Give them (and yourself) consistent, gentle reminders why you chose each other. Soon, that ocean will seem like a small puddle and with one little hop, you’re back in each other’s arms.
Schedule a free consult today to begin healing from relationship burnout.
**NOTE: These strategies are for partners who are in safe, caring, and healthy relationships. If you are experiencing a relationship with abuse, manipulation or interpartner violence, you should seek the services of a therapist who specializes in abuse or a crisis hotline like (800) 799-7233.
References
Dana, D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
I-ASC. (n.d.). Co-regulation: The physiology of trust. https://i-asc.org/co-regulation-the-physiology-of-trust/
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). T is for turning. https://www.gottman.com/blog/t-is-for-turning/
